Loss is a tough thing

Today is the anniversary of a dear friend of mine who lost her son at 13 weeks. This friend is an inspiration in how she lives and handled those difficult times in her life. Not only did she lose her son, but also had an early miscarriage and had a 39 week old stillbirth daughter. Wow. Talk about grief. She now has 2 beautiful girls, who I hope will marry into my family someday :) But the way she talks and glorifies the Lord through her pain blows me away. I never thought I would have to walk that path. Until 3 weeks ago...

3 weeks ago tomorrow my husband and I lost the precious baby living inside of me. That day was probably one of the hardest of my life. Knowing what was happening, and knowing there was nothing I could do to change it. Gut wrenching are the only words to describe the feeling of grief that comes over you. That type of cry that comes from the deepest part of your soul. How and why did this happen? This has never happened to me before. I have had 3 healthy pregnancies and 3 amazing little boys to show for it. God why?!?

After the birth of Joshua, our 2nd son, we felt the Lord asking us to trust Him with the size of our family. "Ummm, excuse me Lord? You SURE about that??" I mean, I don't want to be the Duggers with 20 kids right?! This is where the Lord in His tender loving kindness chastised us. Do we really believe God's word when He proclaims children are a blessing from Him? How can we say we trust the Lord with our WHOLE life then not lay down this part at the cross? So that September of 2008 we decided to give that part to Jesus, and would except whatever He had for us. Even if it meant having 20 kids. Yep, I said it. SHOCK AND AWE! Fast forward to February 2011. I take a pregnancy test because I am 4 days late, and I'm NEVER late unless it's for a reason :) YAY! Pregnant with number 4! And as fast as it happened it was ending. But Lord, I don't understand!! I gave this part of our life to You, expecting children from it! I NEVER expected death. Never. With my heart ripped open, sore and tattered I went to the Lord in worship and prayer. The enemy tried to attack so hard, to bring fear and depression. Fear of being intimate with my husband for fear of becoming pregnant again. Depression over feelings like I caused it. It has been a really hard, hard journey, but the Lord has been so faithful to treat me gently as He heals my heart and soul.

1 in 5 women miscarry. Some never know it and some do. I think unfortunately it's one of those "hush hush" things in our culture. But it NEEDS to be talked about. Cried over with your closest girlfriends. Dealt with before the Lord. That's how healing comes. I'm so blessed to have some amazing women that surrounded me when I lost my baby. One of my friends came soon after it started, and just sat crying with me. The day after several of my friends came together to love on me and cook meals for our family. One of my best friends took me to the chiropractor so I could get adjusted and acupuncture to help the healing process. My amazing chiropractors cried with us and held me as we all wept. Then that bestie took me out for a stiff drink and dinner :) They would call persistently when I wouldn't answer my phone, even find tricky ways to stop by my house to check on me. My friend with teenage daughters lent her girls to us for a date night so Keith and I could go out and talk and reconnect. Because lets face it, for guys it's a totally different experience. And they might not be sensitive to that. But they come around :) Promise.

Through this I have learned alot. First and foremost, as always, God is sovereign. He IS GOOD! He is kind. And that's a hard thing to believe when your in the midst of pain. I have learned that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. Heck we aren't guaranteed the next second! Enjoy what God has given you. I look at my babies and will NEVER take pregnancy for granted again. I didn't think I did before but I did. And yes, I am still the mom who losses patience and yells at her kids, or tells them to go play so I can get one last thing done, but I am looking more carefully at that these days. Can the chores wait? Yes. Your kids will be grown up before you know it. Or they could die tomorrow. Enjoy the time you have been blessed with. And as moms I think we are to hard on ourselves. We live in a "suck it up and get over it" type of world. Well I have decided not to embrace that ideal anymore. I cried ALOT when this happened, and still cry. And will probably still cry years from now at our loss. Because it's just that, a loss. They will never be replaced. And yes our baby is dancing with Jesus, but in my selfish flesh I wanted that baby to be with me. To birth that baby, nurse and sleep with that baby, watch that baby grow into a child, then an adult, get married and give me some grandbabies! But that will never happen with that child. So I sit here and grieve my baby, rejoice in the ones I have, thank the Lord that He is good in the midst of life hurting, and look forward to the rest of the journey, whatever that is.